Monday, November 22, 2010

Devestation and Reform

I've learned so much lately about life. These things just hit me like a ton of bricks, it seems.
First off, I can't even begin to explain the dynamics of my family because we'd be here for several hours, but I can say that the past's events left me with ill feelings toward my dad. Holding a grudge, they say, is harmful to the soul. But how can you forgive someone who doesn't even understand that they've hurt you? Like they filter out what they don't want to hear. What if that person is your father, and you can't just purge your life of him because he's bad for you. What's harder, in my case, is that all of this is unspoken. There is an elephant in the room, so to speak, every time we are in the same room. Neither of us speak of it.
But I've discovered an explanation for the way he is, and why he acts the way he does, and it is that he can't understand. He's not a cold-hearted person who can't see that he's pushing away the people that love him most in this world. He's simply incapable of making that connection. There are psychological labels for it, but I'm going to leave it at that. By coming to this realization, I am more willing to give him a chance. More willing to actually hang out with him. It's just kind of sad that that is all it will ever be. Hanging out. The role of a "father" is somewhat void in my life.
But that's where I let go of the past and look at what I have right now in the present moment. I have a Father that answers me. Like, seriously answers me. If you're turned off to this because it sounds cliche, I don't blame you, but know that I don't write hokey crap just because it sounds nice. I asked God to show me some things recently, and he immediantly gave me an answer that I could not attribute to anything but Him. I know that my healing, physically and emotionally, is going to only come from Him. I just have to learn that I can't control my own healing process. He's already planned it for me. Sucks for an uptight worrier like me, but I'm sure it won't suck for long.
I'll save some of the other things for another time. I'm supposed to be finishing an essay that is due in 45 minutes (that I've had all week to do). STUPID END OF THE SEMESTERR.


PS. What's new with all of you? Tell me about stuff.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Wow! My dad is the exact same way...know how u feel girl!! keep on going, though! :)