Dermatillomasaurus

    WARNING: LONG POST

    Ughhh, I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written anything. I've been wayy busy. Currently, I'm at work, my bosses are in a meeting, and I am at my desk doing "homework." I've made an honest effort at my math practice test, honest to goodness, but so much has caught my attention this morning.
     For one, I found an awesome resource for Dermatillomania/CPS/compulsive skin picking, etc, whatever you want to call it. I've had my dukes up against this battle for a year or two now, but if you saw my legs you'd think I'd been at it for numerous years. Though I've made some drastic changes to my thinking/behaviors, I'm still not free from CSP. It's nearly impossible to explain to someone who doesn't have any form of OCD or anxiety disorders what it's like to not be able to control your own behavior or suppress destructive urges. My mom keeps trying to scare me out of my skin picking. She's a physical therapist and a specialist in wound care, so she has seen patients who have had to have limbs amputated due to an infection from skin picking. I wrote about it three months ago when my mom first started noticing my sores:

When I'm bored, I feel unproductive. When I feel unproductive, I get antsy. When I'm antsy, I habitually pick at my skin. That's embarrassing to admit. But there it is. Merry Christmas.
Really, though, I've had an anxiety disorder for as long as I could remember. But it has changed over the years. First, I was insecure and depressed. Then, I was moody and mercurial. Now, I'm anxious and stressed (hopefully it goes without saying that this is not all the time. I am a fairly content person, but I go through temporary happiness eclipses).  I've always had the habit of biting my nails, but now, I've altered the habit to picking at my nails. Also, I pick at the skin on my legs. It's gotten so bad that I have sores and bumps. I don't like wearing shorts in public. I finally have the healthy, thin shape I've always wanted, but I can't show it because I have to hide my skin. The only place I felt safe from judgment was home until recently when my mom began noticing my skin.
"It makes me sad just looking at those," my mom said a couple of afternoons ago when I entered the room.
"Looking at what?" I asked.
She lowered her eyes to my legs. "Those sores." She continued to tell me how scary looking they had gotten and, honestly, she may as well have said that my legs were ugly now and that it was all my fault.
 "You could lose your legs, Danielle. If they got infected and it spread, you would have to get your leg amputated to stop the disease." By this time she had raised her voice to the point of almost yelling at me. "Do you want that? Do you want to lose your leg from MRSA or a staph infection?" She was yelling now. "Stop hurting yourself!"

My mom and I have an open, honest relationship, and I'm aware of and thankful for her protective nature over me, but I was now the bug under the rock who looks up to find a little kid standing over him instead of the rock. I know how it feels to be poked and prodded at when all you want to do is burrow yourself into some moist dirt where no one can examine you.

I've tried explaining to her that if I could stop, I would have a long time ago. If my health was enough to stop, I wouldn't have these sores and scars. I'm driven by the desire to have clear skin; maybe it's a touch of perfectionism. Ironically, though my mind is convinced that picking will solve my skin issues (acne, ingrown hairs, etc), it is the very thing causing my skin to deteriorate and become irritated. I know it to be a fact that picking will not fix my skin and that it is hurting me, but stopping cold-turkey only causes me to become more frustrated and antsy.

     I'm sharing all of this now because a) it's a major part of my life now and shouldn't have to hide it and b) resources for CSP self-treatment is so incredibly limited. The resource I found today is the first I've seen to actually explain the disease from the perspective of someone who has been afflicted with it, and it provides ways you can combat it.
     The thought of ridding myself from CSP thrills me and scares me at the same time. But I want to be able to say I conquered it so that I can be living proof that you can be free from the daily torture. I want to help people living with Dermatillomania and similar disorders to get their lives back. We could start a club, even. Secret handshake and all (and provide hand sanitizer afterward for those among us who don't like to shake hands).

I love this song. It's so uplifting. Ch-ch-check it. 

Potpourri

I haven't posted anything in foreverrrrrrrr, so this may be a long post, but I'm going to try to keep it short and sweet for those of you, like me, have little patience/short attention spans. Just want to give a little update on what I've been up to. I'll keep the ranting to a minimum.

So college is off to a busy start and has unrelentlessly consumed my thoughts, schedule, conversations, and now my social networking. Cheyeah. It's that bad.
I'm finally feeling like a part of the UA scene. I've lived about fifteen minutes from campus for twelve years and have not once felt comfortable walking around campus up until this point. Now I feel a stronger sense of "we're all in the same boat, just trying to make it to class on time" instead of "I bet they can all tell I'm an underclassman." I've made immense progress with my anxiety since starting college. Big places with lots of people used to intimidate me, but I'm coping with those circumstances more frequently now and trying new things.
Speaking of anxiety, it's getting better, but I'm still working on it. I haven't tried the West Side Story or Inuit Relaxation techniques yet, though. My counselor tells me over and over that anxiety is and will always be a part of my life, so I have to make friends with it and accommodate accordingly when I know I'll have to face a stressful situation. I'd like to commence this new friendship with a swift kick to the balls, but that might make the relationship a little tense in the future.
My new job is a total God-send. I work 8+ hours twice a week which gives me time to get some homework done and make a little cashhmoneyy at the same time. Plus, my boss has given me a task which requires me to organize data from one system and transfer it to another for event/class room reservations. It's right up my alley! I love making lists and compiling data (I used to play a game with my cousin where he was the big CEO of a publishing company, and I was the secretary that reviewed emails of authors and who transcribed letters for him. Oh my gosh, that sounds so totally psycho. We were weird, okay?).

There's so much going on at once these days, but I'm guessing that it will level out soon. I'll write more as my thoughts become less jumbled.

Peace, Love, and Hugs,


Dani

Freshman Year Commences

Wednesday was my first day in the Super League of Cool College Kids, and I'm feeling pretty mixed about it. Wait, let me back-track real quick..

Follow-up on my last post 'Maybe I Should Have Adventures':

Mission Conquering Campus was a success, for the most part. I proved to myself that I could get over my fear of the unknown. I also proved that I need to get into shape if I'm going to survive these next couple of years. With 90+ degree weather before 11:00am, I was pretty sure I was going to pass out. Plus I was excessively glistening (because girls don't sweat) and had a piercing side stitch. Anyway, I found my classes (and a good place to park) even though the map from the university's site was obviously the result of one too many games of beer pong.

Moving on..

The actual first day of classes was pretty nerve-wracking at first because the campus is so much more chaotic when you throw a plethora of wandering freshmen like myself into a rush of upperclassmen that could care less who you are or what you are doing and would prefer you stay out of their way. I don't feel like going back and editing that incredibly long and whiny sentence.

I do sort of enjoy the thought of being in college now, but I guess I'm waiting for those awesome college experiences I hear so much about (that don't involve jello shots or breaking the law).

My Facebook status from that day pretty much sums it up:

"Today was a lot like those dreams I have when I'm stressed out where I can't find my classes, I forget where I am, the teacher is speaking only in Spanish the entire class, etc. Only today wasn't a dream and all of those things really happened. I'm only half positive I didn't go to school naked and/or eat lunch with Mario Lopez."

Well, that's all I got for now. I'm beat. Peace out, homes.

DB

Maybe I Should Have Adventures

One of the many lovely side effects of generalized anxiety disorder is the immense fear of the unknown. I always have to know what's going to happen and what to expect or my mind goes into panic mode. This makes major life changes like, for instance, starting college and a new job within a week of each other absolute hell. Last night I had to make a complete congnitive 360 and decide not to let the fear of not knowing what's going to happen keep me in a constant state of worry until classes start (on Wednesday).
     If you know a little about psychology (or have watched those cool shows like Hoarders: Buried Alive or Obsessed, you know that sometimes a little exposure therapy helps to ease the patient's response to anxiety-producing behaviors (and I'm the nerd that gets a thrill out of researching this stuff. I'm seriously considering clinical psychology as my potential major). So, I've been trying to do a little exposure therapy on my own. Today's mission: Conquering Campus.

Oh, how I love Vampire Weekend. And the song in the video above, "Campus", is a great one for today in particular.                                                                                                                                                                                I am determined to venture out on campus and find my classes/a good place to park. Also, I'm going to look for good places to eat/chill between classes. You guys, I've lived less than 15 minutes away from campus for at least 12 years now, and I'm just now learning where everything is. It's pretty sad that I got lost at Freshman Orientation. The upperclassman guide dropped me and some other students off at a lecture hall to take the math plaement test, and told us to go back to the student center when we were finished. I was one of the last to finish, so I went outside and tried to figure out where the heck I was. There I am, a helpless little freshman, looking at the cryptic campus map they gave us, trying to figure out what street I was on. It was pretty bad.

Anyway, I'm going to give this a shot. We'll see how it goes.

Peace, Love, & Hugs,

Dani

PS. I got a tumblr (as if I'm not already enough of a social networking nerd!)

Death to Facebook

I HATE FACEBOOK.


I hate facebook. I hate facebook. I hate facebook. I hate facebook.


But I can't leave it! I'm not strong enoughhhh. It's cast me under it's spell.


Le sigh.

Off-Season Purchases for Big-Savings

     With the start of fall classes aiming point blank at our summer vacations, the last thing we want to shop for is bathing suits and cute sundresses. Although it's almost time to pack up the warm clothes and dig out chic scarves and warm knits, this is the time to make some frugal investments for next summer. Clothing companies trade out their warm weather wear to make room for cool-climate clothing. If you're like me, you hesitate to buy spring/summer clothing in the fall/winter even if it's a bargain because you are going to have to wait until the weather changes accordingly to show off your frugal finds. However, you don't want to spend an arm, a leg, and your firstborn child to re-vamp your wardrobe each season. It's time to be thrifty in the off seasons so you can splurge on more instantly-gratifying indulgences (like Starbucks everyday after class!). Here are some trendy brands that are cutting back on price (but not style):

1. Pacsun.com

Bathing suit shopping is a hassle no matter what size you are, and finding a perfect fit online is typically even harder, but I was thoroughly pleased with Pacsun's choices. First off, they have an accurate size chart that tells you which to order based on your measurements and how to determine those measurements. Right now, they are running a sale on swimsuit separates that is "buy one get one free," and each piece ranges from about $12.99 to $19.99. So, say you find a top and bottom that you like, each priced at $19.99 and are buy one get one's, you just scored a bathing suit for $20! I got 3 tops, 2 bottoms, and 2 pairs of board shorts for about 70 bucks -- which averages out to 10 bucks each of course (plus, I got $25 worth of in-store or online credit. Word!)

2. Forever21.com

Not only do they have cute summer clothes on sale, but they also have sweaters and jackets for half the original price. Also, some of their summer tops can be layered for fall ensembles. Quick tip: Forever 21 is almost always running a deal on free shipping if you spend a certain amount, so try some collaborative shopping with your friends to meet the minimum amount and be eligible for free shipping.


3. Asos.com

If you haven't checked out Asos, you're missing out on eclectic and glamorous clothing that you can't find in many stores. They have a wide variety of items on sale (not just summer items!) and a customizable search engine that let's you choose your price range, color, size, brand, material, etc. Plus, there's a flat rate of $6 on shipping to the U.S. I am falling in love with this site more and more every time I visit it and can't wait to make my first purchase.

Next summer, when prices go back up, you be glad you took the time to do a little out-of-season bargain hunting. Know of any good end-of-summer sales? Post 'em here.

The Analytical View on Kiddy Shows

Yesterday, the boyfriend and I watched Blue's Clues on Netflix. It's kind of one of our things to find random/bizarre/funny/kiddy shows or movies, curl up on the couch, and watch/make fun of them. We decided on Blue's Clues because we both watched it as kids (and because no good "grown-up" shows were on..). As we watched the show, I noticed a stark difference in my viewing experience now compared to when I was a kid (and I'm not talking about the fact that I'm no longer drinking out of a sippy cup, among other things).
What I mean to say is when I was a wee little tot, I'd just watch the show and enjoy the overall visual experience. Now, when I watch these shows, I pay too much attention to detail. Questions fill my mind like, "Is Steve's house a hallway since he can only go left and right?" "Who are the kids that respond to his questions? Are they just voices in his head?" "Why doesn't he teach Blue to write so she can write out what she's trying to tell him and save us all a bunch of time?" "How does the camera crew keep from laughing histerically while watching him prance around and talk to imaginary characters?"
Of course, these shows aren't made for big kids who scrutinize over details. Still, I have the utmost respect for the writers of kiddy shows. I, for one, would not be able to write a script for a show that didn't answer questions of logic. It takes a special kind of person to be able to over look the fact that a 30 something year old man is living on his own, save for a few animated house mates.

Dropped quote from watching Blue's Clues:
"Steve" - You know what we need now! Our handy, dandy...
Boyfriend - iPad!

Another analytical view on catoons:
Smoosh's "If Cartoons Were Real"


Remember that Write or Die thing I mentioned in my last post? I tried it out and failed miserably. 190 words in 12 minutes?? Pshh. I'm sure you can do better than I did. Plus, you get a nifty badge to tell you how well you did. Lemme know how you do!